A one hour ‘lesson’
The video displays my left hand writing phrases in a notebook. I write with my left hand not to mimic the child, but because I believe there is, still in me, something positivelly childlike. Unlike my right hand, with which I have lived most of my adult life, my left hand has not changed much since I was a child. It is clumsy and gets tired easily but it is honnest, authentic and moves forward without worrying about going a little awry. It does, peacefully within the limits of its means.
These injunctions I still carry them in various degrees. Some I was told, some I heard behind spoken words, like presuppositions. The others, I translated from the behaviours adults had towards me, others or themselves, especially in the case of my father. Hard, severe, alienating, adult-centered, they order the child to place the origin of their action and judgment outside themselves, to stifle their own aspirations, to silence their curiosity, to doubt their own intelligence and to approach everything, in a competitive posture.
To finish suffocating the self, one adds to the list a few contradictory propositions: ”have confidence in yourself ”, ”be autonomous”. Build myself with autonomy and self- confidence ? That is precisely the skills that you have spent all this time making me unlearn? And how much would they –autonomy ans self- confidence– help me today on my path as an artist, for artistic expression requires so much conviction to move forward in uncertainty, confidence to make mistakes without fear, and autonomy to assert oneself in one’s own position.
« […] Work is work, play is play; Studying for the its own sake is nonsense; Enthusiasm is not valid enough an argument; Spiritual development is accessory; Good results is what matters; I must do the best there is and be the best at it; Always more, always faster; I must answer the question; Work defines who I am; I must not be angry; I must be exemplary; I must stay focused; I must do what I’m asked; I must not cry; I must take my medicine; I must be on top; One doesn’t’ always get what they want; Considered yourself warned; Being exhausted is a good sign »